Clever Facebook Status

My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like my toaster. 

The only math I’m good at is adding insult to injury.

I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.

Presidents are really only in office for three years. The last year is spent campaigning for the next election.

So many good trailers; so few good movies.

Somebody needs to invent an alarm clock that releases the smell of bacon.

It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.

Taking soap and shampoo from hotels doesn’t make me cheap. Regifting them does.

Just saw a tractor trailer on its side nursing a litter of smart cars.

Girls who say “alot of guys are after me” should keep in mind that cheap things always attract many customers.